13 March 2015 @ 05:20 am
Black Sails 2x07 - Pirates explaining trauma and abuse.  
Two things.

1. Recovery from trauma requires a Safe Place to heal and feel miserable. Black Sails understands the importance of a Safe Place. USES THE ACTUAL WORDS SAFE PLACE

2. Abuse & Trauma changes you. Here is a very simple bit of dialog that elucidates how the experience of trauma can create a fierce fierce creature in its wake. And that we never get to go back to who we were before. And how safety is paramount above all things.

How this girl, who has experienced sadism (not the fun consensual kind) and torture, has become not just a sensational opinionater who relays her fanciful notions out loud, but a dug in impassable force when it comes to safety. And how I only make friends with people who also have our mutual safety in mind. How safety, of myself and those I come in contact with, is so very very important to me.

The rest? Can fuck off.

Oh and my example? Involves PIRATES! Pirate Billy, who recently went overboard and was subsequently found and tortured by the English Navy and then offered a bargoon bargain. He gets released and comes home and sleuths out the spineless defectors amongst the crew, those who would turn against the crew for their own hide and... elucidates. Emphasis not mine.

Have you ever been tortured?

Suffered pain applied by people who saw you as less than a person?

Saw you as... an animal?

'Cause it isn't actually the pain they're inflicting that's the most frightening part of it. It isn't the fear of future pain.

It's the knowledge that even when the pain stops, even if they were to let you go, that they've changed you.

That pain, that fear, that despair... has made you someone else, someone you barely recognize.

Against your will.

10 pardons!

I said what I had to say to get out of that place, but I have no intention of honoring their offer. 10 pardons.

I would fight to the death to ensure not a single one of my brothers ever has to face what I faced.

Now, if there's a man on this crew that feels differently, that feels as though he'd be willing to accept another brother suffering that fate so that he might avoid it, then that's a man I need to remove from my crew.
grooving to: Black Sails 2x07
mood:: peaceful
04 August 2007 @ 06:52 am
If you wanted to know about rape these are the books I would hand you  
I don't read (much) published fiction unless it's personally recommended to me or (in the case of LotR) the published fiction may enhance other media experiences (Legolas/Gimli OTP!!). So out of the few hundred books I own only like a dozen-ish are fiction.

My Library, and it *is* a Library when it's not in boxes, primarily consists of books on
child abuse: Alice Miller's works, Toxic Parents, Soul Murder,
the pain of adolescence (Reviving Ophelia, Raising Cain, etc
women's stories: That Takes Ovaries, Slut!, Breeders, etc.
the experience and recovery of rape and childhood sexual abuse
rapists, sexual predators and sociopaths

The last two are very different kind of books. Most survivors and victims only read books from their own POV. I also read about the predators POV. A lot.

I want to be educated about the monsters in this world. I've read... things. I've read interviews with boys who think rape is *normal* and not wrong at all. I've read studies/interviews that detail how sociopaths choose their victims. I've read, in detail, about the 1989 Glen Ridge rape (the one with the retarded girl, a broomstick and a dozen jocks in a basement). I've read unedited interviews of... monsters talking about raping infants that read like porn. I've made a study of rape language wherever I can.

If you wanted an introduction to what the world is like from the POV of someone who was raped I would hand you these books to get you started:
Still Loved by the Sun - Migael Scherer (link)
This is the first book I ever read on rape. It's short and a pretty light read considering the subject matter. Migael was stranger raped in a laundromat. This is the first year of her recovery.
Men on Rape - Timothy Beneke (link)
The book contains a variety of interviews with men in different capacities of life. Husbands, Friends, Doctors, Rapists, Cops, etc. Some of it heart warming, most of it chilling. However, the section where Timothy breaks down rape language is, by far, the *best* writings on the topic I've ever come across. If you read nothing else in this book read *that*. those twelve pages brought out the activist in my brothers. Who before hand didn't know *how* to call the males around them on their bullshit.
After Silence: Rape & My Journey Back - Nancy Venable Raine (link)
This is my Rape Bible. This is the book I go back to again and again. Nancy outlines PTSD in such a clear and blameless manner. She explains all the crazy and enables the reader to stop blaming him/herself for all the weird shit going on around and in them. She has such compassion I feel like she is a friend of mine and wrote the book just for me. She wrote this book ten years after a man snuck into her house, wrapped duct taped her head and didn't leave for three hours.
Rape: The Power of Consciousness - Susan Griffin (link)
This is a collection of five essays on the awareness of rape in our culture and how that awareness (or lack of) affects *everybody and thing*. This book was filled with dozens of "ah ha!" moments. The first thing I did when I finished it was to go out and buy another copy for my Mom.

Most of my books are in the attic in Berkeley. And I'm sure there should be more books there, but these are the ones I can think of off hand. I'll add more to the tag as I remember/find them.
grooving to: Nirvana - Very Ape
mood:: productive
locale: closer to the awesome
06 June 2007 @ 11:02 pm
The telling of My Story  
I've wanted to tell My Story for a while. I mean that was one of the driving forces behind the creation of this whole healing filter process thing. I want a narrative. I want text on the page that Explains It All. I want to know how the words sound leaving my fingertips. I want to know how they're received. And y'all are just so awesome I feel like I could tell you anything. Even though I only know a handful of you. And half the time I feel like I'm standing under a not so bright light speaking to an audience beyond the circle of it. I just don't even care. I don't mind the absence of your faces. Just knowing you're there makes this entire process not such an ordeal. Like I showed up at [livejournal.com profile] bascon this year and people, I wasn't expecting to, knew some of my story; had kind words and warm eyes.

But where do I begin? How do I begin this story?

It all gets jumbled in my head. Do I start with my mother? Do I start with the nightmares I had when George was born? The divorce? The three years of "therapy" and "treatment" she subjected me to where she lied and told people I'd been molested by my Dad and that he was an alcoholic? What about when she kicked me out? Changed the locks on the doors a week before my senior year of H.S.? Or how afterward she told 8yro George I wasn't allowed to see him. How I would go to his after school program, where everybody *knew* me, all clandestine like and assuring George I wouldn't tell her? Or how about being 13 and learning that it's okay to date somebody who hit you and beat you up that one time, if says he's sorry and that he loves you? Or do I start with my Dad holding me in his arms when I was born? Or Fred's and my attempt at sketch comedy in our formative years? No for serious we'd rent a camcorder once in a while and make complete fools of ourselves on film.

But I think I need to start with the first rape ever. Because it's one of the simpler stories and illustrates just how not me I used to be. And the first rape wasn't Biff* the sociopath. It was the "nice" boyfriend before him, Brodie*.

Brodie and I dated for 4 months at the end of my sophomore year of H.S. He'd had a crush on me since freshman year, then I moved away and came back sophomore year. When I got back Brodie insulated himself into my rag tag band of friends and became one of them. He taught me how to rollerblade in-line skate. We'd walk his dog after school. He was a nice boy. But I kept losing it and getting weirder and weirder. Sixteen was a suicidal year for me. Meaning I was flirting with the idea the entire year and got clingy and obsessive with Brodie in particular. And then Brodie dumped me b'c I was kinda scary. But with "benefits." And I was that dumb girl who thought there was hope if there was any sort of connection. And then I started dating Biff and told Brodie no. )

When I was 20 I read After Silence by Nancy Venable Raine. It's my rape bible. Reading that book is what helped me realize that Brodie's desire to control me and remove my choice made it rape.

* Names not real. duh.
mood:: mellow
grooving to: Fall Out Boy - The Take Over, The Break's Over