fashes: (George and Fash ~ me)
fashes ([personal profile] fashes) wrote on February 26th, 2008 at 12:44 am
Please let this be PMS related... Please?
Lately I've been just around the corner from curling into a weepy ball of tears. Y'know how you... wait. "You" are not me. ::ahem:: *I* sometimes turn into a weepy mush ball; curled up in a fetal position on my bed crying into my many many pillows. Mostly this happens when I've had the same headache for two weeks straight. It's the weepy flopping of frustration, weakness, losing and grief. Grief can tug at us until we fall over into a puddle of weepy tears. And well... I'm not there. But it's like I'm moving towards it. Like *that* is right around this corner I'm approaching. And I just read this lovely story and turned into a weepy puddle for a bit and... I just kind of want to curl into a ball and not wake up until June or next fall or fall of 2009 - when I can go home.

I don't hate L.A. as much as I used to, but it's still not home. I spent the weekend with George and Fred. Fred made it to 21 a week ago. We (gently) went bar hopping in Berkeley. God I miss my brothers. I miss my *people*. I miss [livejournal.com profile] gelasius with a palpable ache. My brothers are doing So Good I want to be home.

But I'm here two years. Two years for this job. Two years for this awesome job made of money and stability and allergy shots and good working environment and ::insert mantra cakes here:: Like my vitality? Not so shiny these days. Today somebody at work asked me if I was upset. And I said no right away b'c how do you quantify This place you live is making me ill. I know a lot of the physical stuff, the fatigue, headaches, cheek/face/jaw aches, watery dry squinty eyes that are hard to focus at the end of the day is due to the pollen. I *know* this, but it hasn't let up once since I got here and I'm really tired of it. Right. So it is kinda like the Two Week Headache, except it's been the Nine Month Allergy Attack. And I'm ready for a break, but unless my allergist has more up her sleeve this is all I get. And that's depressing. Hence... depression thing.

Don't get me wrong! The new stuff *is* helping! It's just that the pollen count has been in the Nines, but it only feels like the Sixes! Which means I *only* have pain. Yes, i said only. Typically when the pollen count gets above 8 I start losing cognitive function. Read: I become stupid, can't multitask, and have a hard time forming sentences. I lose my ability to communicate. I don't think I need to convey to many of you just how much that sucks for me. So yeah. I'll take the pain if my brain can stay on thankyouverymuch. But I'm hitting a limit. A threshold. And oh god the pollen count is gonna hit the Tens on Wednesday. .::clutches her doctor prescribed vicoden and low sugar gatorade::

Okay i feel better. Allergies are weighing me down more than the SoCal Isolation. Which is good. I can... hand wave a medical issue out of my face more easily than the SoCal Isolation. I think maybe it's time to get a hepa filter. And maybe try that sinus rinse thing. Like Dean said to his inner Deamon, I don't deserve this. I'm awesome! The trick is remembering that. Stupid childhood abuse fucking with my self-worth.

Speaking of SoCal, I met a bunch of you at Wincon. I remember many gleeful moments of ::gasp:: YOU LIVE HERE?!! We should... do things. Super things.
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