26 February 2008 @ 12:44 am
Please let this be PMS related... Please?  
Lately I've been just around the corner from curling into a weepy ball of tears. Y'know how you... wait. "You" are not me. ::ahem:: *I* sometimes turn into a weepy mush ball; curled up in a fetal position on my bed crying into my many many pillows. Mostly this happens when I've had the same headache for two weeks straight. It's the weepy flopping of frustration, weakness, losing and grief. Grief can tug at us until we fall over into a puddle of weepy tears. And well... I'm not there. But it's like I'm moving towards it. Like *that* is right around this corner I'm approaching. And I just read this lovely story and turned into a weepy puddle for a bit and... I just kind of want to curl into a ball and not wake up until June or next fall or fall of 2009 - when I can go home.

I don't hate L.A. as much as I used to, but it's still not home. I spent the weekend with George and Fred. Fred made it to 21 a week ago. We (gently) went bar hopping in Berkeley. God I miss my brothers. I miss my *people*. I miss [livejournal.com profile] gelasius with a palpable ache. My brothers are doing So Good I want to be home.

But I'm here two years. Two years for this job. Two years for this awesome job made of money and stability and allergy shots and good working environment and ::insert mantra cakes here:: Like my vitality? Not so shiny these days. Today somebody at work asked me if I was upset. And I said no right away b'c how do you quantify This place you live is making me ill. I know a lot of the physical stuff, the fatigue, headaches, cheek/face/jaw aches, watery dry squinty eyes that are hard to focus at the end of the day is due to the pollen. I *know* this, but it hasn't let up once since I got here and I'm really tired of it. Right. So it is kinda like the Two Week Headache, except it's been the Nine Month Allergy Attack. And I'm ready for a break, but unless my allergist has more up her sleeve this is all I get. And that's depressing. Hence... depression thing.

Don't get me wrong! The new stuff *is* helping! It's just that the pollen count has been in the Nines, but it only feels like the Sixes! Which means I *only* have pain. Yes, i said only. Typically when the pollen count gets above 8 I start losing cognitive function. Read: I become stupid, can't multitask, and have a hard time forming sentences. I lose my ability to communicate. I don't think I need to convey to many of you just how much that sucks for me. So yeah. I'll take the pain if my brain can stay on thankyouverymuch. But I'm hitting a limit. A threshold. And oh god the pollen count is gonna hit the Tens on Wednesday. .::clutches her doctor prescribed vicoden and low sugar gatorade::

Okay i feel better. Allergies are weighing me down more than the SoCal Isolation. Which is good. I can... hand wave a medical issue out of my face more easily than the SoCal Isolation. I think maybe it's time to get a hepa filter. And maybe try that sinus rinse thing. Like Dean said to his inner Deamon, I don't deserve this. I'm awesome! The trick is remembering that. Stupid childhood abuse fucking with my self-worth.

Speaking of SoCal, I met a bunch of you at Wincon. I remember many gleeful moments of ::gasp:: YOU LIVE HERE?!! We should... do things. Super things.
grooving to: Chevelle - One Lonely Visitor
mood:: gloomy
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[identity profile] tigress35.livejournal.com on February 26th, 2008 10:23 am (UTC)
Maybe a mini-Torchwood party would help?? If you are free or not overwhelmed with pollen on Wed night?
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[identity profile] fashes.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 04:13 am (UTC)
Torchwood FTW!
Dude I'd love to. Reply to my e-mail! But I may not be able to be vertical after work. The pollen's kind of winning...
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[identity profile] tigress35.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 10:49 am (UTC)
Re: Torchwood FTW!
Well let me know how you're feeling tomorrow. I do have a HEPA filter in the room, if that helps at all, though I'm not really sure how much of a difference it truly makes since I don't notice a difference in my vertigo (though it sure did help with the weird new carpet/musty apartment smell, so it must be good for something)

Email email... what addy did you send it to? I don't see an email from you anywhere!
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[identity profile] delibby.livejournal.com on February 26th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
Well if you're getting fandom suggestions as help, I recommend Veritas.
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[identity profile] fashes.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 04:11 am (UTC)
So you want I should back up fandom? heh
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[identity profile] delibby.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 04:33 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?
Hmmm, it's an interesting thought. Not sure how that'd work out though.

I meant: this Veritas. The one with Ryan Merriman, Alex Carter, Arnold Vosloo, Cynthia Martells, Eric Balfour, and Cobie Smulders. It's fun bad archeaology, with a couple of slashy pairings, and a real story arc that goes through pretty much every single episode.

yeah, let's try that with a tag at the end of the link. I think that'd work better.
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[identity profile] fashes.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?

Okay... acquiring pilot as we speak.
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[identity profile] delibby.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 05:20 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?
*everyone* has that reaction to Eric's name. It's funny.

Pilot pilot or extended pilot? because some of the best Nikko/Calvin bits got cut from the aired version.
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[identity profile] fashes.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 05:43 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?

Uh, I don't know what version I have. But it's 54 minutes instead of the standard 42.
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[identity profile] delibby.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 05:52 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?
I love that picture. that whole photo shoot is good.

54 would be the extended. with the extra caffine drink instead of decaf. nikko's such a brat.
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[identity profile] fashes.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 06:07 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?
Yeah... I liked that bit. Oh god ERIC BALFOUR!!! I tried to watch Six Feet Under for him... ::put upon sigh::
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[identity profile] delibby.livejournal.com on February 27th, 2008 09:20 am (UTC)
Re: Veritas?
I appear to have been disconnected and am not being let back in.

Off to bed I go.
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