13 March 2015 @ 05:20 am
Black Sails 2x07 - Pirates explaining trauma and abuse.  
Two things.

1. Recovery from trauma requires a Safe Place to heal and feel miserable. Black Sails understands the importance of a Safe Place. USES THE ACTUAL WORDS SAFE PLACE

2. Abuse & Trauma changes you. Here is a very simple bit of dialog that elucidates how the experience of trauma can create a fierce fierce creature in its wake. And that we never get to go back to who we were before. And how safety is paramount above all things.

How this girl, who has experienced sadism (not the fun consensual kind) and torture, has become not just a sensational opinionater who relays her fanciful notions out loud, but a dug in impassable force when it comes to safety. And how I only make friends with people who also have our mutual safety in mind. How safety, of myself and those I come in contact with, is so very very important to me.

The rest? Can fuck off.

Oh and my example? Involves PIRATES! Pirate Billy, who recently went overboard and was subsequently found and tortured by the English Navy and then offered a bargoon bargain. He gets released and comes home and sleuths out the spineless defectors amongst the crew, those who would turn against the crew for their own hide and... elucidates. Emphasis not mine.

Have you ever been tortured?

Suffered pain applied by people who saw you as less than a person?

Saw you as... an animal?

'Cause it isn't actually the pain they're inflicting that's the most frightening part of it. It isn't the fear of future pain.

It's the knowledge that even when the pain stops, even if they were to let you go, that they've changed you.

That pain, that fear, that despair... has made you someone else, someone you barely recognize.

Against your will.

10 pardons!

I said what I had to say to get out of that place, but I have no intention of honoring their offer. 10 pardons.

I would fight to the death to ensure not a single one of my brothers ever has to face what I faced.

Now, if there's a man on this crew that feels differently, that feels as though he'd be willing to accept another brother suffering that fate so that he might avoid it, then that's a man I need to remove from my crew.
mood:: peaceful
grooving to: Black Sails 2x07
06 March 2015 @ 04:32 am
Trauma, fandom, & healing. EscapadeCon  
Title: Fans & Trauma
Description: Discussion group for fans dealing with trauma in their life (RL, not characters who we love to traumatize). Just show up and share. Or listen.

It has been my dream to discuss trauma with other fen. To talk about fandom as a healing agent. Because fandom is my safe place, the one place where I can be myself.

I've been moderating a peer Post Trauma Support & Recovery group for 2.5 years. This experience has given me the confidence to talk to fen about trauma. And how it fucks us up.

It's been my dream to discuss trauma & fandom at a Con and how fandom can help us heal our trauma. This year is the first year I feel I have enough experience with moderating a peer support group to bring it to a convention and see what we can share with each other.

I hope tgo see you there! Talking optional.
06 March 2015 @ 02:49 am
Black Sails is the Violent Queerest show that ever Queered  

This show makes me the happiest little queer girl that ever queered. People here just love/lust people. Show doesn't give a shit what your gender is.

Lady loves a lady? BLAMMO!

Same lady wants a dude? BLAMMO!

Lady is conflicted about her lady lust? BLAMMO! Lady she is lusting after hovers and makes herself available to the first Lady. (kink of mine)

Dude is in deep DEEP friendship with other dude? BLAMMO! OH MY MOTHER FUCKING BLAMMO!

I love my show.

Like, I'll just be watching and crick my head at the screen all "Hey... that dude seems to really rilly like that other dude."

And then a few episodes later? I GET WHAT I WANT WANTED.


This show functions how my sexuality functions. I'm by no means a pansexsual, where a pansexual doesn't see gender. I'm a queer/polysexual/bi cis lady with an assertive sexuality that is sometimes perceived as masculine. Or as [profile] diluvian put it. I just might be a toppy top.

I see genders. So many exquisitely delicious genders. I see cis ladies and dudes. I see (and dated) genderqueer. Agender. Transgender. There is a mother fuckin' rainbow of genders. I WANT THEM ALL. I don't want them all to be the same. I like the variety.


And this show?

Is made up of queermos. Is made up of the fluid sexuality I inhabit. It may be made up of cis folks, but four of the leads are not just gay but QUEER.

We have our Lady Queer Ruler of the Island.
Our Lady Queer Whore Who Also Rules.
Our Latent Lady Pirate Queer BAMF of all BAMFs.
Our Queer Loyal Dude who is LOYAL to those he Loves.

And in case you missed it in my first post about this show?




locale: Escapadecon
mood:: ecstatic
grooving to: Black Sails 2x06
05 March 2015 @ 05:18 am
Escapade! Pegging our boys!  
So, y'all know I like my gender play. ::points to icon::

I also like like fucking boys with my strap on. I like it a lot. And it turns out this is a key part of my sexuality that was missing until a few years ago. It's part of my Why Slash? story.

Come see me talk about dicks, ass and dildos, while I'm wearing one! Clothing on!
19 February 2015 @ 03:12 am
One Year Later... The Universe said mebbe.  
So when we left off Dalton and I were headed to SF for the first time. Four trips and almost a year later...


UCSF: Must be his medication th at has been the same for over a year but is suddenly MAKING HIM HORRIBLY ILL.

Stanford: We actually have no idea what's going on. All the labs are clear. Here, have some Physical Therapy, Cognitive Rehabilitation (memory training) Therapy and come back in FIVE MOTHER FUCKING MONTHS.

So, we reached out to our Dr Advocate Awesome Sauce (her ringtone is the A-Team theme). She reached out to her global stack of doctors again with a slightly different symptom list and BLAMMO. We're on our last doctor in the state of California. And he just might have actually hit on itIT

NORMAL PRESSURE HYDROCEPHALUS BITCHES. WHICH I RESEARCHED LAST MOTHERFUCKEN YEAR. Which is relevant b'c this doctor was all "Go home, think about it. Do some reading."


Flocked post with more details.
grooving to: Supernatural 1x19 Provenance (creepy painting)
mood:: hopeful
02 September 2009 @ 11:52 am
I live! News from the Southland - no fires near me!  
Super awesome collection of fire maps. LINK.

And satellite photos! LINK.

LA Times has a groovy fire map. LINK

I live about a mile inland from the Coast - waaaaaaaaaaaay far (in LA miles) from the fires. The smoke isn't too bad here either since I can fee the ocean breeze from my apartment. And I swear the only thing keeping me from being totally miserable is that big blueish ocean out there. There's this circle of Not!Clouds all the way around us and a spot of blue sky directly above. It's like being in the eye of a very still Not!Hurricane made of dark gray smoke clouds that just hover above the horizen.
04 August 2009 @ 10:58 am
I'm in Las Vegas through Saturday!  
I'll be in Las Vegas for a work thing this Wednesday through Friday night, leaving Saturday morning.

I have George with me. Anybody wanna get together? Like say...

[livejournal.com profile] delibby and [livejournal.com profile] aerynvala?

Anybody else?
mood:: thoughtful
locale: My cube! 0.7 miles from the Santa Monica Bay
grooving to: Erin McKeown - Softly Moses
26 June 2009 @ 04:13 pm
Michael Jackson's death meet my soap box.  
I truly believe that in his lifetime Michael Jackson made inappropriate sexual advances towards prepubescent children. Whether he raped a child, I don't know. But I have no doubt that a grown man thinks it's normal and loving to sleep in a bed with young boys - smacks to much to this educated woman of things she's read/heard other pedophiles and child rapists say about their victims. However, in my own education experience I believe there are two types of pedophiles, those pathetic child like pedophiles ala MJ and those sadistic child rapists that enjoy terrorizing and controlling their young victims. That is not to say that one is "preferred" over the other. I have no doubt that both types of abusers damage their victims extensively, sometimes irreparably.

I am firm on my position with child rapists. I will never give Roman Polanski a dime and I am so freakin' RELIEVED that Michael Jackson is dead.

Having said that...

I really love his music up to the Bad album. That man is a damn genius and his beats still make me smile. AND I FIND THAT REALLY CONFLICTING and have been snipping at the boyfriend every time he makes some joke about something and OHMYGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CALLED ME AT WORK TO TALK ABOUT THE DEAD PEODOPHILE MICHAEL JACKSON.

So for the most part I'm all "Yay he's dead! Now I can enjoy his music (that I may have appropriated from the interwebs) guilt free!"

And then I start thinking about his kids and it's OH GOD GUILT allover again. ::bashes head against wall... in beat with smooth criminal::


I just read the following from here: "What emerged at the trial wasn't the picture of a man playing with children in order to seduce them. It was the picture of a man playing with children because he sees himself as one of them."

I have a but...

We've all played Doctor, right? I don't think it's okay for a developmentally arrested adult to play an "innocent" game of doctor with any child. Ever. Two of my six (blood, step & adopted) siblings were molested, one by a family friend who told my sibling they were going to "play tickle". Then my sibling took showers in a swimsuit for SIX MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS at the age of 7. That shit is never going to be cool.

I remember these things. I remember every story anybody has ever told me about somebody doing A Bad Thing to them. I keep track of which of my friends can tolerate certain sense memories. e.g. a certain brand of toothpaste is banned from my presence when a particular friend is nearby.

As brilliant and engaging of a performer he was I am incapable of forgetting that Michael Jackson harmed children. PeriodDot.

Tags: ,
mood:: bewildered
grooving to: The Stephanie Miller show ft. Hal Sparks
22 March 2009 @ 03:48 pm
BSG! Post Orgasm Show Come down  
Was it good for you?

So I took my post BSG finale self into the bedroom to bounce on the bed off and share my glee with the boyfriend. Where I jokingly said: Now all I need is to get fucked. Shortly thereafter my pants were being yanked off...

I really like my boyfriend.

Other spoilery comments to come later.

::glances at flist::

Huh. Apparently I've missed some stuff in the last 8-ish months I haven't been reading my flist. Whoops! I still think it's the best show ever. But y'know... I have my cult mentality love of Ron D. Moore. Though the whole GAYS ARE EVOL AND MUST DIE had me quite concerned there for a bit.
20 March 2009 @ 04:00 pm
So I had this awesome job, right? ::LOUD BUZZER SOUND::  
In other news George and Fred are doing AMAZING. George (the younger) got a really awesome therapist and is even taking college classes now! Fred is talking to GIRLS and feeling confident in himself.

My step-brother is getting married on May 17th. Damon* and I will be in the Bay Area for the event.

Apparently I am not so much with the awesome job having anymore. I lost my job last week. ::SUCK:: Let me essplain to you exactly how this girl "lost" (WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!) her job...

My boyfriend, Damon*, had cranial decompression (brain) surgery on March 2nd. I took that week and the following Monday off of work to help him out. When I went back to work on Tuesday the 10th, I was Terminated and escorted from the office by 11:00.

So like... a whole month in advance I submitted some vacation days and they were approved. Upon returning from said vacation days I was axed. FOR NO GOOD REASON. There were no company cut backs. No tightening of the belts We Can't Afford IT Anymore. Nope. The NY office has just been systematically removing things from the CA office that were too antithetical to a NY Attitude. And apparently *I* am antithetical to a NY 'Tude.

Which is totally true. I'm bright, friendly, speak slowly and clearly so that the listener can understand me, oh and I genuinely LIKE and am exceedingly FRIENDLY with ALL of my co-workers/users. Not that NY peeps are all assholes, but I sometimes even nauseate my fellow Californians with my bright, sunny and perky disposition. Shame on ME!

\/\/ (whatever hands)

So I went back to Damon's house promptly picked up where I'd left off the night before, taking care of Damon while he recovers from BRAIN SURGERY. Damon was treated for his Chiari Malformation, learn here. He's doing AMAZING. In part because I'm an awesome care giver. No, really. I skeered a nurse. And am officially in charge of a six foot 220lbs Grown Ass Man until April 1st, when we will evaluate his ability to self-care and NOT over-flipping-do-it.

These days there's nothing shinier than: putting your tiny 5'3 self in front of a 6'0 tall man, slapping your hand onto his chest and calmly telling him to Stop and put the pliers down and he does. He actually goes limp and relaxed and sits on the couch like a schooled little boy. And if he's been very good and relaxing a lot he gets blow jobs and sex. Because we believe in positive reinforcement and we totally loves our Damon.
Tags: , ,
grooving to: Fila Brazillia - The Bugs Will Bite (Groove Salad: a nicely chilled plate of ambient beats and groov
mood:: aggravated
05 November 2008 @ 08:37 am
Voice Post - It's an Obama Day!  

Obama's purity of spirit is AWESOME.

Oh and I have a boyfriend now, who is a political fanboy. I brought him a cake, which he ate and then cried while Obama showed us (again) just how awesome he is.

To those of you attending bascon: I MISS YOU ALL.
14 October 2008 @ 09:15 am
Voice Post - Update of sorts.  

1. Still allergic to Southern California.
2. Moving to the Santa Monica area into a Bachelor - room w/hotplate & Microwave. no kitchen.
3. Work Office moving to Glendale early November. OH GOD I MIGHT DIE FROM THE PRESSURE.
4. [livejournal.com profile] gelasius and I are On Hold.
5. We are PALS.
6. NO BASCON FOR ME. As my office is moving that VERY WEEKEND.
7. AND my boss is in town for TWO WEEKS.
8. I might DIE.
9. The new phone means you should be hearing from me more.

Sadly that last one turned out to be a dirty dirty LIE!
14 October 2008 @ 09:09 am
Voice Post  
25 September 2008 @ 09:10 pm
Voice Post  
19 September 2008 @ 01:28 pm
Voice Post  
16 August 2008 @ 06:59 pm
Sanity. I have found it. Boss phallic obsession *POOF* GONE!  
I no longer want to have sex with my boss. This is a great wonderful bone inflating relief. Jack was is in town this weekend to help move servers from our other L.A. office that is closing to my L.A. office. So Jack and Kyle (the IT monkey/me in the NY office) were both out here this week.

I was a little lost in the thrall of my own obsession. And I can call it that now. I can look at it with hindsight, one regret - that is an actual regret now - and a beautiful fresh breeze of clarity and call that obsession. I want to thank each and every one of you who looked at me like I was a crazy damn fool, told me I was a crazy person, and just generally kept calling attention to the fact that my behavior was whack.

Please never stop telling me when I'm out of my damn mind. Even when it looks like I'm not listening, and I'm rationalizing and justifying my crazy behavior to your face I'm still listening. And I love you.

I think my obsession with Jack's penis was preventing me from coming here and talking with you about all the wonderful, not so wonderful but always educational sexcapades I've been having. I was always comparing the boys to this hot one time encounter where I seduced a man totally by surprise. and the success of that seduction was an amazing rush and thrill. The experiences I've had since then have subdued my thrill seeking desire. I have one steady lover, Damon*, who was just supposed to be Experienced Older Guy (he's 42), but who is one of the kinkiest people I would ever like to meet. He's also very sweet, giving and fast to becoming a friend that I plan to keep.

This isn't the intro I wanted for Damon. I wanted some grand sweeping introduction but... whatever. Damon's awesome and he lives in Venice. ON THE BEACH. Okay like three blocks off the beach, but I get out of the car and INHALE THE OCEAN. And Venice is close enough to the right freeways I can stay there during the week and still get to work without suffering through too much L.A. traffic.

So expect to be hearing more about what I've Learned, why Fat Dicks on stupid people are harrowing, 20yros can be the hottest thing ever and (San Francisco) Bay Area people are the sexiest people ever - no matter where they are.

This does not mean that I now consider my boss an ordinary human being. I still think Jack is the shit and can walk on water, hang the moon and PWN technology so hard I want to eat him up or put him in my pocket to eat later. We're IT. We're fucken Rock Stars.
grooving to: Kate Nash - Pumpkin Soup
mood:: thoughtful
01 August 2008 @ 08:38 pm
Voice Post  
27 July 2008 @ 02:48 pm
Public Service Announcement! Lost Boys 2: The Tribe  

This is the lamest piece of crap I have ever seen. And I have some authority to stand on people. I have seen BloodRayne. At least *that* has Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez. This? Well okay it has Taylor from The OC, but she's not very Taylor here. She's just...some 17yro lame girl.

There is no gay in this movie. And nobody is pretty, well except for Taylor of course. But the sex she has in this? Is filmed like a PG-13 movie and the editing is for shit. I've just finished watching the original to cleanse my brain. Ahhhh.

Corey/Corey FTW!
Tags: ,
21 July 2008 @ 08:17 pm
Trailer: Teeth  
GO WATCH THIS TRAILER RIGHT NOW. It is the most wonderful trailer they have given us ever.

Every. Single. One Of You. GO NOW!!!


grooving to: Teeth (trailer)
12 July 2008 @ 11:13 pm
Best. Website. Ever.  
If you like trailers. And I do!

My baby bro, now taking his meds and quite sane thank you, told me about this site.


Also? If you want to hang out with the funniest [livejournal.com profile] permetaform ever? GIVE HER SCOTCH.

mood:: high
grooving to: AVP