fashes
13 February 2008 @ 12:40 am
The Family is GOOD. Work is also good. Girlfriend is awesome!  
George and Fred are doing really really awesome. George is taking classical guitar lessons and helping Dad out with the computer business. Fred can handle his stress hectic job without the desperate urge to run from the room. Fred is also back to photography! He and Dad accidentally discovered this new lighting method to use in the house and the results are BREATH TAKING OMG!! Like... Fred's soul? Aura, essence, State of Being shows up in his photography. George's in his music. And Fred's photography is so... gah. I'll try to get some for posting, but it may prove to be difficult, perfectionist that he is.

Work continues to be awesome.

[livejournal.com profile] gelasius is coming out for our birthdays - end of March or early April. Yes, I'll be bringing her 'round. Or maybe we'll all just meet up for chicken and waffles?
 
 
grooving to: Claude VonStroke - Cicada 17 Year Mix [Justin Martin Remix]
mood:: relaxed
 
 
fashes
31 December 2007 @ 01:08 am
So hey whirld. How you be?  
I'm goooood. [/peanut]

So you wanna hear what's been going on? I know I haven't told you in a while. Wow. I feel all powerful and full of rich juicy gossip. Or something. Okay we're going to do this in list format:
  • My Parents are now living in Berkeley full time.
  • With George and Fred.
  • George is doing AWESOME.
  • Fred is good pretty damn good.
  • I LOVE MY JOB LIKE BURNING. I'm sending my NY cohorts baked goods to reward them for their AWESOMENESS.
  • i have no off season for pollen disease in southern california. this makes me very upset. but i refuse to emote over it. so this is my pissy non-emoting font.
  • My girlfriend? Yeah, the same one as before. SHE LOVES ME LIKE BURNING. And there were those few months between my NY trip and wincon where she was doing a *thing* and coming to grips with our relationship and RAN AWAY AND WASN'T TALKING TO ME. And stuff. And so I gave her some space. Which was pretty easy because that was the time George was in and out of the hospital and then Fred and... stuff. So [livejournal.com profile] gelasius had space and we talked about it and it brought us closer (as these things do with us) AND NOW SHE IS THE MOST AWESOME GIRLFRIEND IN CREATION. Oh wait 'till I tell you about Chicago bitches. It gets its own post. THERE WAS SO MUCH GOOD FOOD OMG. And this white stuff, on the ground? I think they call it snow? ;-D
  • Did I mention I got a raise at my 90 day review? And I wasn't even *supposed* to. THEY LOVE ME THAT MUCH. *\o/*
This update was interrupted by [livejournal.com profile] permetaform's need to go to the hospital - again. She's totally fine! It turns out the advice nurse (on the phone) was over reacting a bit and the ER doc totally didn't think it meritted an ER vist. [livejournal.com profile] permetaform has a delightful account here
  • Life is my new favorite show. Expect pimping.
  • The music on Life just... rocks my world. I want ALL of it. Every ep has me scouring the interwebs for tracks and artists I never even heard of before. And there is a convenient list here.
  • I went to a dyke bar in Chicago and discovered that I'm ridonkulously gay for [livejournal.com profile] gelasius but not quite so gay for the world, while [livejournal.com profile] gelasius is perhaps a little more gay. More details in a post that is not the general Chicago post.
  • I can not work 15 hour days ontop of "normal" 12 hour days. And don't get mad at my job. I did that to myself. I mean granted, I support a bunch of impatient, can't-clear-a-paper-jam-to-save-their-lives LA people but Jack (my boss) also agrees that I was working too much. Y'know... BECAUSE I BROKE STUFF AND THEN GOT ON A PLANE FOR CHICAGO. ::cough:: And he uh... had to clean up my mess.
  • I haven't been to the Bay Area in almost a month and I Am Fiending. Which I put in the WIN collumn of LA Hasn't Turned Me.
  • [livejournal.com profile] lierdumoa wrote me bandom baby fic for christmas. No for srs. Look!
  • [livejournal.com profile] gelasius and I talk on the phone, near daily, for like 4 hours at a stretch.
  • I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired and I started this post more than 24 hours ago. It needs posting.
Anything you wanna know?
 
 
grooving to: Dexter 2x07-12 and then Tin Man
mood:: content
 
 
fashes
31 October 2007 @ 07:16 pm
BASCON!!!!!!  
MY FAVORITEST CON IS THIS WEEKEND!!! YEEEE!!!
  • George will be attending on Saturday. Yes! YOU get to meet George! And love him and hug him and squeeze him and CALL HIM GEORGE!!
  • [livejournal.com profile] par_avion, [livejournal.com profile] spaggel, and [livejournal.com profile] lierdumoa are staying with me. [livejournal.com profile] permetaform will be in town, but not at the con. She's taking a social sabbatical - for a while.
  • I'll be checking in Thursday night. I hear y'all gather at the pool?
  • I'm trying to organize a get together *thing* for those who want to come together and remember [livejournal.com profile] diluvian. Her husband, Robert, will be in attendance on Saturday from 6:00-8:00. I'm not sure if we should do dinner? Room gathering? Bueler? Discuss here
I'll be posting a room number when I have it. If you have yours first text me!
 
 
grooving to: She Wants Revenge - Us
mood:: excited
 
 
fashes
21 October 2007 @ 06:15 pm
Hung out with George ALL DAY Yesterday  
George is at this *awesome* half-way house in the South Bay. It's homey and has a backyard. Yesterday being Saturday he had free time from 11-11pm. I picked him up at 2:00 with [livejournal.com profile] permetaform and we went to iHOP. So good. Then we hung out on Robert's couch the rest of the WHOLE DAY. It was really awesome, just lazying around in a sibling pile. We had a really good talk, that I'll post about later. I just wanted to let you all know that George is keeping on his meds and *wants* to (for now) be sane.

Yee!
 
 
grooving to: Cobra Starship - The World Has Its Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime)
mood:: chipper
 
 
fashes
02 October 2007 @ 10:54 pm
Cannabis Induced Psychosis strikes again!  
Links to articles and information here:
http://fashes.livejournal.com/116655.html

Guess what Fred's been doing the past few months? SMOKING LOTS OF WEED.

Fred was totally Fred like when I saw him over the weekend. Yes, I went up North and told hardly anybody. B'c my calendar was full with my favorite tutoring client, George, Fred and half a day of nothing on a couch.

Fred was smoking joints a day. Multiple. Multiple. Joints. A DAY. Getting more and more paranoid AND KEPT GOING. WTF IS WRONG WITH MY BROTHERS. I want them both in Narcotics Anonymous. Right fucking now.

George was even mostly back to himself. Had awareness and insight into his delusions. Week 4 of the meds is *working*. And there's this whole correlation between number of psychotic breaks and extended time to get back to reality. Breaking one's brain is the same as breaking bone. It's always a little more tender and each time you damage it, it can take that much longer to heal.

I'll try to post more this weekend, but work is... *work* and I come home dead tired a lot. But happy. I HEAR BOTH MY FANBOY BOSSES LIKE WHOA!!


ETA: If you have no idea what's been going on with regard to my brothers losing it and would *like* to, let me know. I've got it under an opt-in filter.
 
 
mood:: stressed
grooving to: New Young Pony Club - The Bomb
 
 
fashes
20 September 2007 @ 09:51 pm
So remember that girl that George was dating and dumped him?  
Chia committed suicide a few days ago. George found out yesterday.

Oh and Fred had his first psychotic break last night. Fred's 27.

I am in my logic place. Where unsettling emotions don't unsettle me.

Also?

MY JOB IS STILL AWESOME.

B'c yesterday after the Tool was being all TOOL SHAPED My two bosses in New York TOTALLY CALLED ME to offer support and said nice things. And then today one of them would call and the other would e-mail me whenever I e-mailed the lot of IT with questions. AND I TOTALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE TOOL EVEN ONE TIME. \o/

And my shiny geek boss showed up at work this morning and EVERY TIME HE TALKS TO ME HE ASKS ME HOW I'M DOING. Not in that "Fine. Fine" sort of way, but genuine concern and stuff. And everybody thinks I'm a rock star!

I have another whole post to do on the difference between jerks and assholes and how I can adore the former but loathe the latter LIKE WHOA.
 
 
mood:: tired
 
 
fashes
30 August 2007 @ 08:40 pm
GOING TO BERKELEY TONIGHT.  
I'll be staying at the Bekeley House with [livejournal.com profile] lierdumoa, through 'till Monday. I'll be in the City on Friday visiting George - who is back in the GOOD hospital at UCSF. Dancing with Fred in Berkeley Friday night. And the rest of my weekend is open to suggestions. I don't know if I'll go back into the City to visit George since the Bay Bridge is gonna be closed.

I don't know if [livejournal.com profile] permetaform is coming with me. She's definitely coming if I can arrange for her to visit my Parents in Napa, but they haven't called me back yet.
 
 
fashes
27 August 2007 @ 09:50 pm
THREE JOB INTERVIEWS.  
I have THREE job interviews this week - possibly four if I get an e-mail tomorrow morning. THREE!!

I have an interview at a placement agency tomorrow. They want me to write a 3rd person testimonial of my skillz. IT'S LIKE THE WORLD H8S ME!!

LOOK AT MY MUSIC SELECTION!!! LOOK AT IT!! I have my Britney mix on. Help?! CLEARLY I AM IN A PLACE. ::twirls bangs endlessly::

ETA: Oh god [livejournal.com profile] goluxexmachina is SAVING ME OMG!!! THE JARGON IS JUST LANDING ON THE PAGE NOW!!!



Yes, yes things on the George front are going really well. Details tomorrow night hopefully. Lets just say that my Dad is a rock star and that makes all the difference in Teh Whirld. \o/
 
 
mood:: distressed
grooving to: Britney Spears - What It's Like To Be Me (ft. Mr. Timberlake)
 
 
fashes
11 August 2007 @ 07:10 am
update on George... oh and an update me.  
George is being hospitalized again. He's been super manic lately, which makes him think he doesn't need sleep - for days at a time. And lack of sleep leads to psychosis. Um... I'm doing my flat emotions compartmentalizing thing. Here's the chat log from my Dad. We uh... we call him Sir. There's a story there. Actually it's here. And here's the chatlog:

Sir: Adria got a call from the hospital and she is with him now there - he is going to get transferred to This East Bay Hospital* some time tonight - that is the Psychiatric facility for Our County hospitals
Ange: more details?
about an hour later
Sir: < link to hospital >
Ange: Did he have a break? Is he being 5150d? Is he voluntarily checking in?
Sir: I have no details - except he was 5150d - and he's getting transferred tonight
Ange: Okay.
Sir: I'll let you know more tomorrow when I get more info
Ange: k
Sir: ok - goodnight


Okay here's what I do know about how I'm feeling, b'c my therapist is perched on my shoulder in these moments when all I can conjure up is "logical". And I know some of you are interested so to forestall the yelling here's what I can come up with.


He was essentially homeless in Berkeley the past two weeks. Sometimes he was on a couch, but most of the time he slept outside somewhere. Got socked in the face at one point. Lost three cell phones in a month. Brought his gutter rat "friends" to the Berkeley House to shower. Manic, manic, manic cakes. Like this.

I look at that and I see badness. But I don't really feel it. But I know George being in a facility... helps. It's one less thing. I know I'm really stressed out and behaving like I'm in a panic mode. Yesterday was a Panic Day. I wanted to go find a job. I was up in the daytime, but... I couldn't move. It's a calm frantic state I get into. So I didn't leave the house. I talked to [livejournal.com profile] permetaform about it and told her I need help getting out of the house on Monday. I have a list of places to go. "We" are going to go out Monday around noon - I have a list of offices to visit. Once I'm out and selling myself I'll be fine. Or well I'll behave like I'm fine. And the meeting new people and selling myself (to managers) always cheers me up. I pimp myself very very well.

[livejournal.com profile] lierdumoa was here to visit for a few days. We watched Perfume. OH GOD. SUCH A MCMOVIE!! Lier and Permeta kind of fell in love with it. I liked it, but they REALLY LOVED IT. They're more visual and I'm more audio. One reason I love Ravenous so much is the score. Perfume didn't have the score for me. But they're vid brains.... they had vidgasms on the couch. It was cute. Then [livejournal.com profile] permetaform and I drove [livejournal.com profile] lierdumoa to her parents house in that middle part of the state we all pretend no one lives in. Met her parents, had dinner with them. THEY'RE SO ADORABLE OMG!!! Her Papa told us HIGHLARIOUS stories about all the stupid people in the world.

Okay that's all I got. Those keeping track at home, yes it's 7am and no I'm not going to bed anytime soon. I still have a remote document project I can (and need to) work on. Since I didn't go to bed until 1pm yesterday... I'm gonna try to get some work done.


*Not real hospital name.
 
 
grooving to: Black Snake Moan - Samuel L. Jackson - Just Like A Bird Without A Feather
mood:: blank
 
 
fashes
11 April 2007 @ 02:35 pm
George is HERE!!!  
Flist meet GEORGE!!! On this plane he goes by [livejournal.com profile] transd3rmal

Go say hello! He made a welcome post for y'all and everything!

http://transd3rmal.livejournal.com/755.html
 
 
fashes
10 March 2007 @ 12:23 am
The Boy is BACK!!!  
George is.... George shaped again! And he's *talking*!! He hasn't talked in like a year or more. Like... DAMN. That's my boy!! And he looks all his age and stuff with his beard shaved off and his mussed up hair. Oh right y'all haven't ever actually *seen* George. When his beard's grown in he kinda looks like a lumberjack, but with prettier hair. Really pretty hair. We fasheses have awesome hair I can't lie!!!

Okay that's all I got. I'm just GLEE.
 
 
mood:: pleased
grooving to: Field Below - Regina Spektor
 
 
fashes
03 March 2007 @ 09:59 pm
So I'm home now. Riiiight. Y'all didn't know that I left at 4:00 yesterday to take George to the ER  
George felt a psychotic break coming on yesterday and what did the boy do? He called DAD!! George is a ROCK STAR!! I thought I was gonna do a big write up with play by play and timelines but... I've only gotten like two hours of sleep. I got home around 11 this morning and tried to sleep and no I'm not and... the timeline isn't important. I'll give you the highlights:
  • I'd just gotten home to the Peninsula when Dad called me from his side of the Bay. He was on another phone with George (who was at our mother's - a woman I haven't laid eyes on in 8 years)
  • George felt he was having another psychotic break. How close was I?
  • 10 minutes.
  • George and I took a relaxing drive up the Coast to the Big Hospital in San Francisco.
  • God I love the Coast.
  • Uh..... right! Big Hospital ER.
  • My Mother of Origin... I'm totally calling her Adria now. The ineffectual Guru of Teh World! Mystical Leader of Teh Masses!!!
  • So... Adria was ALREADY THERE. ALL TINY AND GOBLIN SHAPED. She looks like my evil grandmother. *Her* mother. My maternal grandmother? Hates me so much. Just... so much she might spit on me.
  • Right so Adria was there all goblin shaped and touched my arm and squinted her face up and was all, "It's good to see you."
  • ::rolls eyes::
  • EVIL VILE GRANDMOTHER
  • TINY. LIKE A GOBLIN!!! I mean she's 3" shorter than me and... SO TINY!! Okay, okay. Back to George.
  • We check into the ER. Adria and I sit with George while they take blood and stuff. I'm cagey and it's stuffy hot and I WANT TO NOT BE IN THE ROOM WITH THIS WOMAN. THING CREATURE PERSON GOBLIN. I mean I don't want to punch her in the face anymore. No really. I used to want to punch her in the face on site. Yay therapy!
  • After I've been sitting with Adria for a couple of hours Dad showed up.
  • I had to call Dad and make him show up though. This irks me, but is smaller in the grand scheme at the moment.
  • Then the Dr. Lady came and talked with George.
  • George is going to check into the Psych Facility at the Big Hospital. It should take half-an-hour. We just need to wait.
  • We go have dinner in the cafeteria. All four of us. Totally not surreal at all b'c as soon as my Dad got to the Big Hospital I was calm and looked at Adria and realized she was totally not the shape of the mother I've been missing and burning for. Yes, yes we'll get to that at a later post.

  • SHIFT CHANGE.
  • Wait. Wait.
  • They give George a sedative type thing and he goes to sleep for the first time in two days.
  • Adria, Dad and I wait.
  • Wait. Wait. WAIT!!!
  • Then what was supposed to be 30min turns into 2 hours and we're with the Graveyard shift now. When you go to the ER? Make sure you go 6 hours before shift changes so you get all your shit done before they have to START ALL OVER AGAIN!! Or be prepared to be there much longer than you anticipated.
  • And we started making noises about going home b'c George was just sleeping and all they were gonna do is walk him up to the ward.
  • At 2am I turned to my Dad and told him I was totally fibbing and that I was absolutely not going home until they'd come to get George. I wasn't going to leave him alone. PeriodDOT!
    Dad: "So you're excusing me are you?"
    Me: "Yes. Yes I am."
  • Dad went home.
  • Now Adria and I are in some quiet battle to out stay the other. She needs to appear the Good Mother and I need George to know I won't leave him EVER.
  • The next several hours were interspersed with me walking around, reading EIGHT YEAR OLD magazines and bugging the nurses about George moving up.
  • Come 4:30am and we FINALLY are told that they won't be taking George up until the NEXT SHIFT CHANGE when the nurse isn't all alone up on the psych ward.
  • The next shift change is at 8am.
  • Adria goes home.
  • George sleeps through most of this, but we woke him up for the highlights.
  • I get my car out of the rediculously expensive parking garage and drive to a 24hr drug store, by a trashy novel from some lame vampire were-hunter series. Go back to the Big Hospital ER and read until 7:30 when George wakes up.
  • We trade places, me on the bed, him in the chairs and I finally sleep for about 2 hours.
  • At 9:45 they escort George up to the psych ward. There is much hugging and warm words and me being all strong for him. And by strong I mean reassuring him that he's safe and that I'm FINE. B'c he had guilt that I'd been there SEVENTEEN HOURS. So there was guilt assuaging and loving and such.
  • I call my Dad from the nurses station and drive back to [livejournal.com profile] poisontaster's where everybody is just getting up to start the day! W00t!
  • First thing I did was go to the bathroom and lightly lather up a washcloth with my new mint sage body wash from Trader Joe's. Mmmm. Wiped the hospital grime off of me and headed out to the living room to the queen size bed. Yeah. I'm crashing on a queen size bed. My life! She is so hard!!
  • I gigglefited on the bed while [livejournal.com profile] permetaform stroked my hair. I didn't stop gigglfitting until she tossed my sleep mask at me. As soon as it's on my face I got quiet (yes, like a pony!) and slept for another couple hours, but everytime I heard something it did a *thing* in my dreams which just got weirder and weirder until I didn't want to sleep anymore.

    So I've been up and about. Just kinda chillin' with PT and the Wife. The Wife who was really really hoping we'd get some unpacking done today. Yeah... not so much with the 17 hours in the hospital and the not sleeping. And the day after Intense Days are always Do Nothing Day. Like... I don't make decisions today. I couldn't even decide where to sit earlier. I asked [livejournal.com profile] poisontaster to tell me. The only thing I could do that I was wavering about was today's photoshop project. I didn't want to take the time to mask out the ENTIRE IMAGE which is 3007x4009 considering I was only masking it out to make a 100x100 icon. But... what if I wanna do something with the source file later? I would h8 myself for not getting all the masking done at once. And I'm still not done. Yes, this would be stalling people. I'm very good at stalling.

    ETA: I'm making myself an icon for Dirt b'c the show is that awesome and no one's done the ginormous promo justice.

    ETA II: I talked to George an hour or so ago. He sounds WAY better. He's back to sounding like a George shaped person. Which is always good. And oh! I totally forgot to mention what led up to the break and how I felt and stuff. *G* For the past two months George had been taking 1-3 BOTTLES of 8hr generic cough suppressant containing DXM. George had found an online FAQ about how to use DXM to disassociate. But hey guess what! DXM is a hallucinogenic! Y'know like cannabis! THAT DRUG THAT STARTED GEORGES OTHER PSYCHOTIC BREAKS.

    So yeah... I'm upset that he was "using" again. But I'm so very very VERY GLAD HE CALLED DAD WHEN HE STARTED FREAKING OUT!!! SO HAPPY AND FULL OF HOPEFUL JOY YAY!!!!!
 
 
fashes
07 December 2006 @ 04:31 am
George Is HOME!!! Crack Chat Celebration!!!  
So a couple months ago George stopped taking his meds. First the anti-psychotic and then the zoloft. He did this without telling anyone and totally cold turkey. Oh and without talking to his psychiatrist. Well he told us a few days after he stopped each med.

Yeah. I was freaked. I was especially freaked b'c George was due to move back into the upstairs apartment (where I live) in December. But the worry didn't last long b'c after about two months being off all his meds George is acting more like himself. Which has us leaning towards our first and most positive diagnosis which was cannabis induced psychosis. No more cannabis. No more psychosis. YAY!!

Oh and you guys can't burst my bubble in this post. This is the celebration post. We can talk about ramifications *later*. Today? I'm posting George and Fashes CRACKCHAT OF YORE!!! Because George is HOME. He's in my kitchen. He's leaving cereal boxes on the counter!!! HIS STUFF IS TOTALLY IN MY BATHROOM!!! WOOT!!!

George: dude can you fix the internet )

George: that means we all step into a big grinder )

George: whats the war movie? with the good things? )
 
 
mood:: bouncy
 
 
fashes
05 September 2006 @ 10:56 pm
Posts To Write  
A lot of these I've had in mind to write since like July. One or two since 2005.



Posts that I have been meaning to write:

  • George is living at home and is doing O.K. Dad's totally on top of it.
  • Yuge and I had *one* awesome fun weekend, then an awesome long phone call and then he never called ever again. Which A) cliche omg! *giggles* and B) omg my parts work! And the whole thing was rewarding and I wish it had lasted longer but I had serious FUN! When previously I didn't think fun was even possible. Blah blah four years of celibacy cakes, which was preceded by two years of boring omg mediocre sex capped off with we need separate bedrooms, and before that it was 3 years of celibacy that all started out with 3 years of rape and torture at age 16. My parts work.
  • Torture and sadism vs rape under the Rape Recovery umbrella. How torture and the "gruesome details" isolate me from other survivors. How I find it difficult to utilize other rape stories and integrate them into my own recovery process. How certain "healers" and "experts" in the field just don't get it. How the torture makes me feel so very very different - and do I cling to this "different" more than I need to?
  • What I've been calling anxiety attacks are, according to the DSM-IV and my psychiatrist (not my therapist), panic attacks. Which... damn.
  • My level of anxiety is such that I have two states: frantic and not-frantic. I don't have calm. I typically only get 4 hours of sleep. This has changed recently with quitting the horrible job and also PWNing the owner. The more I PWN the owner the better I sleep.
  • I started paxil last week. To "turn down the volume" on my anxiety.
  • How agoraphobia became an essential part of my healing process.
  • Wine Country FLOODS and if full of FUGLY BROWN WATER OMG!!
  • You think your show has continuity problems? HA!!! Chris Carter bitches. Chris CrazyASS Carter.
 
 
mood:: thoughtful
 
 
fashes
08 July 2006 @ 01:45 am
So yesterday was a 12 hour work day and next week is a 6 day week  
Work is keeling me. Just... Ted* called today a clusterfuck. He was not wrong. Not wrong at ALL OMG! So many things almost went wrong and 1.5 things *did* go wrong. And I? I fucking rock. Also? I need two of me because I have just two weeks to completely overhaul the cash register system. And the owner won't pay for training...

Fuck.

* Name changed for amusement. Let's just say Ted could really use a Bill. *G* Ted is an awesome PC builder (he likes to shop) and an O.K. hardware technician who is 19 and needs to learn how to also be an awesome software technician. He also buys me coffee on his way to work sometimes. I may be slightly biased by this. Slightly. *gentle koff*



George was agitated today and Dad was ALL OVER IT. And now George is on new meds. My Dad is just being an *awesome* Dad. Gah so much stress relief from that. SO. MUCH. I'm free to stress ALL about work and Not!Dating! WEEEE!
 
 
mood:: drained
grooving to: Down With The Sickness - Disturbed
 
 
fashes
03 July 2006 @ 05:37 am
update on George  
George is home. )
 
 
mood:: quixotic
 
 
fashes
27 June 2006 @ 05:36 am
Update  
I want a Riddick mood theme. [livejournal.com profile] permetaform why didn't I have you make one of those? Instead of the bajillion icons I'm currently ogling... God if I wasn't so lazy. At least this week I'm sick? And my coughing made the cat twitchy. That was fun. See this? This is me stalling.

This has been the week from hell. And I'm really quite dense when it comes to my own stress levels. So. Very. Dense. So when I say "week from hell" what I'm really saying is that I'm so stressed that my body put me to bed. I've been in bed for the past two days with sick.

Last Thursday I went to visit George by myself. George was out of his fucking mind with delusions. )

And I'm so tired of people asking me if I'm O.K. I know people are concerned, but christ of course I'm not O.K. Except that I am. See it's a quandary. I'm O.K. because I'm still bathing and eating. I'm O.K. because I'm not in a deep black well. I'm O.K. because I can still smile when my Dad's being a dork. And hey! My Dad can still be a dork! So the sky totally isn't falling! See?!? *points and gestures* The sky's totally still up there!

Plus, it's the little things y'know? Like being able to call [livejournal.com profile] permetaform night and day. And [livejournal.com profile] lierdumoa laughing. God I love making her laugh. She... I have to be careful. Like if she's eating? I wait 'till she swallows. And lately she's been making *me* fall over. Last weekend I went to [livejournal.com profile] denyce36's where there were *fen* and a hot tub and a few too many Dirty Girl Scouts. And sometimes [livejournal.com profile] seperis sends me links to whatever's caught her fancy. Even when it's horrible. And god can it ever be horrible. Plus! I totally met [livejournal.com profile] poisontaster yesterday! And we totally hung out in my living room on our laptops all comfortable like. Like fen should be!

Having all you people make it O.K. O.K.?
 
 
grooving to: Pry, To - Pearl Jam
mood:: lethargic
 
 
fashes
23 June 2006 @ 01:07 am
Cannabis Psychosis  
ETA: I totally wrote this up two days ago but didn't post it.

God love the Internets. I'm feeling much more educated, which lessens the OMG CRAZY response in me. *G* Here's what I've found so far:

http://www.mydr.com.au/default.asp?article=2343
Good primer for the bad sides of cannabis and drug-induced psychosis, all bolding is mine:
How long do the effects last?
The effects begin within minutes and can last for up to several hours. For people with a psychotic illness, or who have a predisposition to such an illness, the effects can be more serious and long-term. Psychotic illnesses are characterized by symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations and thought disorder. When people experience psychotic symptoms, they are unable to distinguish what is real —there is a loss of contact with reality.

Does cannabis cause psychotic illnesses such as schizophrenia?
Use of cannabis can cause a condition called drug-induced psychosis. This usually passes after a few days. However, if someone has a predisposition to a psychotic illness such as schizophrenia, these drugs may precipitate the first episode in what can be a lifelong, disabling condition.

How does cannabis affect someone who has a psychotic illness?
Cannabis generally makes psychotic symptoms worse and lowers the chances of recovery from a psychotic episode. People with a psychotic illness such as schizophrenia who use such drugs experience more hallucinations, delusions and other symptoms; they have a higher rate of hospitalization for psychosis and treatment is generally less effective.

So should people with a psychotic illness avoid drugs such as cannabis?
Yes. The consequences can be so serious for the person’s health that it is best to avoid drugs such as cannabis completely. It can be helpful to look at other, healthier ways of relaxing and socialising as an alternative.

http://www.priory.com/psych/cannabis.htm
This is what really *really* hit home for me - again all bolding is mine:
Acute Symptoms of Cannabis Psychosis
Often the combination of symptoms makes one suspicious that schizophrenia is present but at the same time there is an affective component. There may be the suspicion that the condition, either in part of whole, is feigned for reasons that are unclear because the pattern of symptoms do not fall easily into the usual criteria for psychosis. Drug taking is often denied, or the amount that is admitted by the patient is so little that one cannot say that this accounts for the current symptoms. Worse still, patients may not even consider Cannabis as an illicit or dangerous drug and so do not mention using it. Hallucinations are vague and delusions may be transitory with little in the way of thought disorder. There is often a lack of volition and a history of gradually deteriorating social ability and contact with others, including significant others. This history will often be verified by relatives and close friends who may be either completely ignorant of the drug taking, or confirm that there has been some in the past but believe that there has been little drug taking recently. There is often a depressive component with suicide attempts in the past but nothing recent or, if there is, then they are only ineffectual pleas for help. The person has usually lost his or her job some months or weeks before due to their poor performance at work. There is often very poor memory and concentration, which may be marked at the time of presentation. Paranoid delusions may be present and quite severe which can be the most alarming psychotic feature and result in hospital admission. If confronted with aggressive and authoritarian staff, who indicate verbally or non-verbally, that they do not believe the patient, the patient may become violent or simply leave against medical advice. There is a slow and gradual effect of cannabis and the symptoms continue to worsen for some time after the person stops using it. Thus by the time of presentation the person may be so disorganized and confused that they can’t even arrange their next “cone” or “joint”. Over the following few days the symptoms ease quickly. The improvement is easily credited to the neuroleptics and/or the antidepressants, which may in fact have contributed to the improvement. Symptoms such as the paranoia, hallucinations and depression fade until the patient is allowed to go on leave from the hospital and, a worsening of the symptoms may follow this. More often than not the nursing staff are the first to become suspicious that drugs have been taken when the patient is on leave from the hospital.



New medical studies indicate that cannabis is more dangerous than we previously thought - especially to teens:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis#Cannabis_and_psychosis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marijuana#Health_issues_and_the_effects_of_cannabis with references: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marijuana#_note-Dunedin
http://www.geocities.com/alustriel1/Cannabis/cannabisandmadness.htm
news sites:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3561-1565337,00.html
http://www.smh.com.au/news/Health/Cannabis-psychosis-risk/2005/03/01/1109546844568.html

This woman talks about the "awakening" affect of her paranoia.
http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=6577
 
 
grooving to: lierdumoa is cooking
locale: kitchen table
 
 
fashes
21 June 2006 @ 02:14 am
I will love him and hug him and squeeze him and call him George  
I can't call my baby brother "The Boy" after today. So we're calling him George from now on. This pleases me. As does this icon I dug up. That's George and I wrasslin' at the park when we were wee.



I love my baby brother like WHOA. I got to touch him today. I had no idea how crazy that was making me. I haven't laid hands on him in almost two weeks. And I haven't been able to hug his softness in months. I felt... de-limbed and fragmented. I think they had him on sedatives. He was still crazy manic and delusional but like... touchable and not moving like a tweaker. He still moved but it was less... frantic. Calm for a manic person. *g* And if this is as good as it gets? I'll be Okay. If meds can give us days like today where I can touch him and the love is palpable in the room, then I'll be Okay.

George is trying to communicate with music. It's something he's done his whole life, we just didn't realize how critical it was for his well being. He's carrying the lyrics to Tom Waits' Blue Valentines around in his pocket. He showed them to me today, like some prized treasure. He wants me to listen to that album and Beck's Mutations. Have I mentioned how much I hate Tom Waits? *sigh* Love. George. Like. Whoa.

I've got the Beck, does anybody have Tom Waits' Blue Valentine?



I've been reading up on Cannibis Psychosis. I want this to be the thing inflicting George and not the life long battle with schizophrenia or bi-polar or *insert life time mental disorder here*

I want it to be a thing happening *to* him, not *in* him. I want that a lot.
 
 
mood:: touched
 
 
fashes
20 June 2006 @ 03:28 pm
I need help  
ETA: I renamed my brother George. For obvious reason *G* I will love him and hug him and squeeze him and call him George.

George (19yro) is currently in a psychiatric facility under a 5150. George had been staying at his (our, but she hasn't spoken to me in 7 years. thank God) mother's the past week-ish. He called me yesterday insisting I talk to her, that she was going "crazy" and "panicking". He *really* wanted me to talk to her. Internally I was bugfucking and buhhing all over the place. On the outside I calmly asked him to go out on the deck (so we could talk privately, b'c obviously he was in his crazy place again) he muttered about only being in his boxers (which George never does ever, we don't even get to see him with his *shirt* off so obviously really crazy place) and not sleeping for 4 days and he thinks his mother is possessed by Not Raped Girl from first crazy stint. While we were talking she made a dash for the door and George chased after her, dropping the call.

REALLY REALLY CRAZY OMG!

Dad did some crafty leg work last night and the police told us George is in a private psych hospital down the way. We were able to talk to him last night where he a) lied about smoking weed and b) totally thinks he can go back to his mothers when I'm 99% certain she's already changed the locks on the door. This is the lady that changed them on me when I was 17 and I wasn't even crazy, just perpetually pissed at her bullshit. She hasn't spoken to me in 7 years b'c the only place I'll speak to her is inside a therapist's office. She has declined the invitation for 9 years.

Mom (our step-mom) and Dad visited George today and Mom think he's schizophrenic - it's what she *always* thinks when people are crazy. I already talked to my therapist and she *knows* the people at hte hospital and gave me precise instructions as to how to go about getting involved with his case. We have a tentative action plan and Dad is making George a room in his apartment downstairs. Dad found out George slept on the beach once - and that's just not cool. Crazy or not, he's ours and he should be able to come home. I'm leaving work in a little bit to go visit during the evening hours with my other brother Flyin'. I'm in what I tell my therapist is my Logical Place where I am calm (all-be-it a bit scatter brained) and not freaking out yet.

Here's what I'd like from you all: Links and maybe some phone calls.

If it's not schizophrenia, what else could it be? I know about schizophrenia.com what other resources are there? He's not having auditory or visual hallucinations, nor does he have that emotional deadness schizophrenics are known for. He just gets really really manic and thinks people are out to get him - always always after getting stoned and not sleeping for days+. And my therapist called the thing where *he's* in his Super Logical Place Everything Is Fine psychosis.

If any of you are particularly knowledgeable or *know* anybody who is particularly knowledgeable *eyes [livejournal.com profile] justabi* please drop me a line?

Or if you have your own story to share? Share it - anonymously if you want.
 
 
locale: work
grooving to: Numb - Disturbed
mood:: numb